I'm going back and forth with my faith, sowing seeds of doubt and reaping the harvest of a false life that will not end well, because spiritually I am not grounded. I have allowed myself to believe that as long as I show up every day for this false life I can turn it around — but I am realizing more and more every day that it is harder and harder to achieve what I actually want for my life. I am looking for the event.

I am doing everything I am supposed to do — paying my bills, showing up for work, trying to build something for myself. But no matter how hard I try, it feels like I am one unexpected expense away from losing everything. The fear is constant. My mind won't stop running through worst case scenarios and my spirit feels like it's shrinking under the weight of just trying to survive.